"a space where thoughts, dreams and inner voices meet in isolation"
Feeling an overwhelming sea of emotion then nothing at all. I inhale the tobacco in my ciggaretes as I sit in the bahroom, wondering if any of this would make sense to anyone else. I think about a man whom I met once, who told me a story about his life as we consume the meal on our table. He had told me a story of his childhood, growing up in a wrecked home just the night before. But that morning as we enjoy our meal, he spoke enthusiastically about the animals he had grown to love. A few months after I asked him how he managed to bear the cycle of emotion. It doesn't get better, he said. You just keep going. I inhale the tobacco again, wondering why we do. When you keep trying and you hit the glass over and over again. When you close your eyes, but you still can't fall asleep without a little help.
Insecurity. It creeps towards me. A desire to escape. To let everything go. Breathe, I said. Don't compare yourself to others, they said. But was I meant to be here? Was I meant to succeed? All I want to achieve is the simple happiness in life. And I got lost in the process. Lost in trying to achieve the lime of success. Lost in fulfilling others' expectations. I am lost in my search of happiness.
A dark fluid swimming inside,
seeping out through the tip of my fingers.
I close my eyes, only to be awaken moments later.
My body, still and heavy. The room lit dim by the sunlight striking through the orange curtains. It somehow sucked the air in, to the point where it became hard to breathe.
I wonder if I'll ever wake up.
Feeling like a failure and soon after, realizing my own journey that I had to go through. Coming home and being greeted by strangers. At the same time finding my own way to survive, to make myself known. And once I started to become 'known', it became inevitable that I had to prove myself. Keeping up with the rhythm. Opportunities after opportunities. Overworked and overwhelmed. Panicking during the days I was still. And soon come failures. I failed to live up to the expectations people had about me. Of achieving success. Quickly. Quicker. Make yourself known. Succeed in an instant. I blow the candles on top my birthday cake. I have just turned 24 years old, a young adult trying to make it alive.